Today I postponed talking to my art teacher about my second thoughts on an art education and how I am giving up art. When I did I cornered her at her desk because she’s always all over the place-how I imagine a true artist. Asking her if she were busy she gave me the typical, “Just trying not to kill these dim whitted assholes” in a whisper. She always knows how to make me smile.
Just to give you some background on the lovely Ms. Bordas she’s the teacher that wishes you could drunk in school, her desktop background is a drawing she did of herself with tequila glasses in her hands written, “I now understand why people become alcoholics.” You can never talk over this woman. She is the most intelligent person I know and when I told her I was gay freshman year she got in my face grabbing my shoulder and said, “Well whoop-dee-fucking-doo doll face. Now where the fuck is your project?”  I have since became one of few highlights in her day. When she quizzed me on colors and art terminology to get into art 4 she was slammed at how fast I was.
Anyways, when I told- “Ms. Bordas I understand art is hard but I’m not an artist. I simply recreate.” Mouth wide open she gasps out the words, “Karessa! You are too an artist!” I went on to explain that the only reason I started art was because my farther died when I was in forth grade and it was my attachment to him. That the only reason why I’m any good is because I have a focus span and I made with what I got.
She then made me sit down because she saw the tears in my eyes starting to welt and she asked what calms me down. I thought, didn’t answer. She then told me I just need to relax. Asked me what I like to look at to relax myself. I think, no answer but a few things run through my head. She asked, “Then what do you really really want to do with your life.” I thought, the bell rang and I answered…”Travel. All I want to do it travel.”
That’s a new answer for me. I never thought I wanted travel. I said nothing but she read my face and body language.  
She put one hand on her elbow the other over her mouth gave me her serious face and hugged me.

We have this mutual understanding between one another. I say I love an artist or want to explore an artist/media of art and she gives me the GO TO ATTITUDE my stubborn little ass needs. She pushes me in all the right places.
I feel like the past few months she has taken me under her wing. I feel like a disappointment on a very large scale so I walked to class holding back the tears and avoiding eye contact with the strangers I call friends in the halls.
Sat down in my computer chair in my business class and started bawling my eyes out. 
Anna, a half ass friend in my eyes asked me what was wrong twice then turned away to play video games that involved sperm. *sigh*

All in all…I don’t know what is to come or what she has in store for me tomorrow. Let’s just hope it’s nothing in the deep corners of her brain. That’s scary.